10 Signs You Check Your Email too Often

Email has insinuated itself into our daily lives and, besides contributing to the insolvency of the post office, has started to become an obsession for some. Does this feature of the information age control your life? How do you know if checking your email has gotten out of hand?

      

1. Top priority – Is it your first waking instinct to go check your email? Are you on the computer before you get that first cup of coffee in the morning? Be careful; this is the first sign!
2. Hit refresh – Are you constantly clicking on “refresh” or “send/receive”? If you find yourself doing this on a regular basis, you may want to reevaluate your situation.
3. Start reading junk mail – Do you find yourself actually reading your junk mail instead of just deleting it? This is a serious sign that you need help. Get away from the computer now!
4. Forward to your phone – Ok, lots of people get email sent to their phones, so what? If your computer is only 10 feet away and you have your phone with you, just in case, that’s a problem!
5. Sign up for instant notifications – Remember the “You’ve got mail!” alert from AOL? This has gone from state-of-the-art to annoying! If you sign up for instant notifications even though you have your email account open at all times, you may want to seek help.
6. Eat meals at the computer – Is your keyboard riddled with crumbs and mysterious, unidentifiable stains? Have you had to replace it more than once because of an unfortunate incident with soup? What is wrong with you? Eat your meals in front of the TV like normal people do!
7. Checking email while on the toilet – Now we’re getting into seriously disturbing territory. This is taking your morning routine to a whole new level. If you find yourself doing this, I have one word for you. Ee-e-e-ew!
8. Wake up at night – Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night with the irresistible urge to go check your email? Ask yourself this. Who would be sending you emails in the middle of the night besides spammers from Pakistan? Go back to sleep!
9. Makes you late – Are you constantly late for work, late for appointments, or late for events because of checking your email one more time? If you end up late for your own wedding for the same reason, you may end up late for your own funeral.
10. Send yourself emails – Do you send yourself emails to make sure it’s working? This is the final stage of a serious mental condition known as emailitis. So far, the only cure that has been effective is a prolonged vacation on a remote island in the Pacific known as NoTech. There you will receive intense treatment at a local spa named Anti-Cyberland. There you will be given pen and paper and be forced to send snail mail to your friends and family until you are cured.

How do I know all this you ask? Let’s just say I have a front row view how email can take over someone’s life. If you’re reading this, then someone has managed to find the message in a bottle I cast into the Pacific Ocean. Don’t bother to come rescue me. I’ve grown accustomed to NoTech Island by now and never want to leave. I’m quite proficient at checkers and basket weaving, so I barely miss my computer anymore. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my group therapy session. Today we’re going to discuss new treatments for the removal of calluses from a common malady of our inhabitants called “texting thumbs”.